Self Esteem

Healthy Self-Esteem: Make Sense or Nonsense?

We read and hear a lot about having ‘good’ self- esteem. “But just what is it and how do you know if our children have it?” asks Donna Andrusyk, Family Life Field Specialist for ISU Extension. Parents raise their children the best they know and just keep their fingers crossed that the child grows up with what everyone thinks is ‘good’ self-esteem. Self-esteem refers to a deep belief in one’s worth and competency, the feeling that I am okay and that life is good and I have something to contribute. This is not the same as self-centeredness.

There are 3 main sources of self-esteem for children.

FIRST – research shows the child needs to feel safe, accepted and valued within the first 24-36 months of life. If a child lacks that safe, secure environment (or experiences life as threatening and unstable), he will grow up feeling incapable of facing the normal challenges of life.

SECOND – a person learns about their physical appearance by looking in a mirror so a child learns about his/her worth by looking into the faces of people, especially their parents. If they see disgust and gloom, then the impression is created that the child is the cause. If a child sees delight and gladness in the face of a parent, they conclude that they must be a delightful person. A parent’s unabashed joy in their children is an essential building block in the development of a healthy self-esteem.

THIRD – in order for children to feel good about them, they must do well. This doesn’t mean they need to be top in their class or sport but to have successfully accomplished a chore or a skill. This could be something as simple as feeding themselves, washing the dishes, or mowing the yard. That means we, as parents, need to expect our children to do chores and to push them to learn new life skills. If we shield them too much from the hard knocks of life, they will likely develop an exaggerated sense of their own importance. In the end, the failure to meet and overcome adversity will produce mere self centeredness rather than a genuine, healthy self-esteem.

There is a fine line between helping a child develop self-esteem and spoiling them. Children naturally try to get as much as they can for themselves without having to do anything for it. Parents need to set appropriate limits for their children. Some parents do more for a child who is disabled or suffered a serious illness. Again, those parents need to push them to accomplish what they can and show their pride with words; not by doing their work for them. Sometimes parents feel inadequate and feel they owe their children the best of everything to prove their love. Adoptive parents and divorced parents often fall into this category. Children will often see this and use this “guilt” as the hook to manipulate their parents. Lastly, some parents are so insecure in their parenting that they are afraid to make any decision where their child disagrees. These parents need to set rules, make the decisions that need to be made and not be intimidated by their children.

Our greatest leaders believed that hardship does not destroy self-esteem. If you never let your child fail, struggle or go without, and think you must always be their friend, you are keeping them from life. You are guaranteeing that they will never grow up but will remain emotional babies all their life. Remember: there is no free lunch; don’t be afraid to take risks; be honest; never give up; be in charge of your own attitude; and always remember you are not alone. When your child learns to live by these lessons, they will develop a healthy self-esteem that will assure them of true success in life.

picture courtesy of Editor B at www.flickr.com

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