Setting Boundaries
Boundaries are tools for building cooperation in relationships, for letting others know what you want and for letting them know which options are available to them (for getting what they want). Set boundaries when you want behaviors to change and wish to avoid nagging, yelling, threatening or other negative, stressful behaviors. Whether you use boundaries in relationships with children or other adults, the characteristics and dynamics of setting boundaries are the same, according to Donna Andrusyk, ISU Extension Families Specialist.
Consider these four characteristics of a good boundary ---
Clarity – Boundaries need to be clear, specific, and clearly communicated. It works best when you have the other individual’s attention and give lots of details. For example, “I will read your favorite book as long as you are in your pajamas with your teeth brushed by the time the big hand is on the six.”
Win-Win – These boundaries are focused on mutual consideration. Boundaries need to respect and consider the needs of everyone involved. This means that you must attempt to create ways for both you and the other person to get what they want. For example, “I would love to hear about your day. I will be free to give you my full attention in 15 minutes.”
Proactive & Positive – Boundaries build a reward-oriented environment. They emphasize positive consequences or desirable outcomes. Boundaries work to prevent problems and are typically expressed before a problem occurs or before it is allowed to continue (or get worse). In addition the most effective boundaries typically focus on cooperation. They are also expressed positively, as promises rather than threats, or simply as information. For example, “When we go to the grocery store, you can select one kind of cereal (cookie).”
Follow-Through – Watch the tendency to make excuses, give warnings or let things slide “just this once”. This is a great way to communicate that it is OK to disrespect your boundaries. If you want to build in some flexibility, do so before there is a problem. Boundaries allow you to follow-through without getting angry. Follow-through works wonders, but it requires patience, faith, consistency and courage! Boundaries with good parental follow-through can minimize children’s behaviors such as whining, begging, temper tantrums or relying on excuses to get what they want.
picture courtesy of Carbonnyc at flickr.com
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