Families Column

Contact:  Donna Andrusyk, ISU Extension Family Life Specialist, 319-882-4275, andrusyk@iastate.edu

 Keep Your Marriage Strong in Stressful Times

 When money gets tight, a couple’s relationship can be stretched — and stressed — as well. Spouses may handle tough times differently, says Donna Andrusyk, an Iowa State University Extension family life field specialist. These varying reactions and feelings can pull couples apart or bring them closer together.

Don’t give up on your spouse because he or she acts differently than you. Instead, look at the many ways that differences can strengthen your relationship.  You can use the differences in your couple relationship to help you handle stressful times.

 A man may find it difficult to talk about personal feelings and needs, and would rather “do” something than deal with his feelings, such as work longer hours than usual.   A woman may interpret this to mean that her husband doesn’t care, but that isn’t necessarily true. Her partner just may not be able to express his feelings in words for a variety of reasons. He doesn’t want to lose emotional control, he may think that talking might hurt too much or perhaps he has difficulty in choosing the right words.

 A woman often is viewed as the person who does the most talking in a relationship. She may be the one in the marriage who expresses her feelings very easily and more freely than her partner. This easy release is a part of a person’s coping style and doesn’t mean that she is out of control.

 Try these seven general tips for improving family communication during tough times.

1.      Give your spouse your full attention; put aside whatever you are doing — even the dishes or the newspaper.

2.      Be open and respectful of each other’s opinions even when you disagree. 

3.      Clarify what you don’t understand with words like: “Tell me more about ____” or “How long have you felt this way?”

4.      Relate your feelings simply and directly when it is your turn to talk.

5.      Don’t judge, blame or evaluate. Instead, describe how a person’s behavior affects you — “I feel ____ when ___ happens.”

6.      Be aware of how your body, tone of voice and timing for holding the conversation might be interpreted. Problems arise when verbal and non-verbal messages are different.

7.      Agree to express frequent, sincere appreciation for your spouse’s strengths, and arrange to have some quality time together that involves something you both enjoy doing.

Marriage is a team of two people who together can work through a situation to find solutions.  Be flexible, share the burdens and do what makes sense for the family, rather than worrying about what other people think.

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